What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:17
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What was your biggest culture shock going to Europe?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Have you ever really seen aliens or UFOs by yourself? Can you share your experience?
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She found it foreign!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why are you a Muslim? Why is it Islam for you and not something else?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do you remember one day, you put a deep smile on someone's face and made them very happy?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Oldest human DNA ever found tells the story of a lost branch on the human family tree - Earth.com
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why is my stomach getting so big from taking testosterone cypionate 31 to 34 in 2 months?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What does it feel like to "lose your looks" to age?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We all went to grammer schools
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But ive been too sick for many years..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It was going to be , some day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were not on the streets..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But, we were locked up after school.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was in good health!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i lived it daily.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He resisted the act ,that day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She wouldn,t have been !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was very sick at this time too.
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Who then, do I blame.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was seconnd youngest,
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.